Humor
Test
Down in Jackson, Mississippi, three boys arrived in school late. It was 10:00 a.m. They had been fishing. For their excuse they stated that they were delayed because of a flat tire. The teacher decided to give them a test immediately, so she had them seated apart from one another. She said, “This test will […]
Actual Newspaper Headlines
1.. Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says 2.. Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers 3.. Safety Experts Say School Bus Passengers Should Be Belted 4.. Drunk Gets Nine Months in Violin Case 5.. Survivor of Siamese Twins Joins Parents 6.. Farmer Bill Dies in House 7.. Iraqi Head Seeks Arms 8.. Is […]
Oops
My wife and I were browsing in a crafts store when I noticed a display of country-style musical instruments. After looking over the flutes, dulcimers and recorders, I picked up a shiny, one-stringed instrument I took to be a mouth harp. I put it to my lips and, much to the amusement of other shoppers, […]
One-Liners
a.. If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends? b.. For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain. c.. Why do psychics have to ask you for your name? d.. Corduroy pillows: They’re making headlines! e.. I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol. f.. I couldn’t […]
Car Repairs
Jill’s car was unreliable and she called John for a ride every time it broke down. One day John got yet another one of those calls.”What happened this time?” he asked.”My brakes went out,” Jill said. “Can you come to get me?””Where are you?” John asked.”I’m in the drugstore,” Jill responded. “And where’s the car?” […]
Oxymorons
Act naturally Advanced BASIC Airline food Almost exactly Alone together British fashion Business ethics California culture Childproof Christian Scientists Clearly misunderstood Computer jockComputer security Definite maybe Diet ice cream Exact estimate Found missing Genuine imitation Good grief Government organisation Legally drunk Living dead Military intelligence New classic”Now, then …” Passive aggression Peace force Plastic glasses […]
The Necklace
A tourist in Florida was admiring the necklace worn by a local Indian. “What is it made of?” she asked. “Alligator teeth,” said the Indian. “I suppose,” she said patronizingly, “that they mean as much to you as pearls do to us.””Oh no,” he objected. “Anybody can open an oyster.”
God’s Voice Mail
Most of us have now learned to live with voice mail as a necessary part of our lives. Have you ever wondered what it would be like if God decided to install voice mail? Imagine praying and hearing the following: Thank you for calling heaven. For English press 1 For Spanish press 2 For all […]
Name Your Request
A cat dies and goes to Heaven. God meets him at the gate and says, “You have been a good cat all of these years. Anything you desire is yours, all you have to do is ask.” The cats says, “Well, I lived all my life with a poor family on a farm and had […]
Ten Commandments
Pa and Ma made their annual trek to church for Thanksgiving services. As they were leaving the minister said, “Pa, I wish we’d see you here more than twice a year!” Pa said, ” Ya, I know, but at least we keep the ten commandments.” The minister said, “Well, that’s GREAT you keep the ten […]
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