Humor
The Pope And The Queen
The Pope and Queen Elizabeth were standing on a balcony beaming at thousands of people in the forecourt below. The Queen says to the Pope out of the corner of her mouth "I bet you a tenner that I can make every English person in the crowd go wild with just a wave of my […]
Sentry Duty
A new soldier was on sentry duty at the main gate. His orders were clear. No car was to enter unless it had a special sticker on the windshield. A big Army car came up with a general seated in the back. The sentry said, "Halt, who goes there?" The chauffeur, a corporal, says, "General […]
The Computer Expert’s Glossary
ADA: Something you need to know the name of to be an Expert in Computing. Useful in sentences like, "We had better develop an ADA awareness." BUG: An elusive creature living in a program that makes it incorrect. The activity of "debugging," or removing bugs from a program, ends when people get tired of doing […]
The Rules Of Chocolate
* If you’ve got melted chocolate all over your hands, you’re eating it too slowly. * Chocolate covered raisins, cherries, orange slices & strawberries all count as fruit, so eat as many as you want. * The problem: How to get 2 pounds of chocolate home from the store in hot car. The solution: Eat […]
Diet
A dietician was once addressing a large audience in Chicago. "The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago. Red meat is awful. Vegetables can be disastrous, and none of us realises the germs in our drinking water. But there is one thing that is […]
Laboratory Rules
1. When you don’t know what you’re doing, do it neatly. 2. Experiments must be reproducible, they should fail the same way each time. 3. First draw your curves, then plot your data. 4. Experience is directly proportional to equipment ruined. 5. A record of data is essential, it shows you were working. 6. To […]
46 Facts About Women
1. Women love to shop. It is the one area of the world where they feel like they’re actually in control. 2. Women especially love a bargain. The question of "need" is irrelevant, so don’t bother pointing it out. Anything on sale is fair game. 3. Women never have anything to wear. Don’t question the […]
The First Parent
(originally, Bill Cosby): Whenever your kids are out of control, you can take comfort from the thought that even God’s omnipotence did not extend to his kids. After creating heaven and earth, God created Adam and Eve. And the first thing God said to them was: "Don’t." "Don’t what?" Adam asked. "Don’t eat the forbidden […]
Nixon And Brezhnev
Many years ago, After a round of talks, Nixon and Brezhnev drink a little vodka and get into a discussion. NIXON: I hear you have a lot of drunks in the Soviet Union. BREZHNEV: Not so! That’s capitalist propaganda! NIXON: No, I’m sure of it. You have a lot of drunks! BREZHNEV: Nonsense. I’ll prove […]
Ventriloquist Cowboy
A ventriloquist cowboy walked into town and saw a rancher sitting on his porch with his dog: Cowboy: "Hey, cool dog. Mind if I speak to him?" Rancher: "This dog don’t talk!" Cowboy: "Hey dog, how’s it going?" Dog: "Doin alright" Rancher: (Extreme look of shock) Cowboy: "Is this your owner? (pointing at rancher)" Dog: […]
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