Humor
The Secret To Inner Peace
I may have found inner peace. My therapist told me the way to achieve inner peace was to finish things I had started. Today I finished 2 bags of potato chips, a lemon pie, a bottle of red wine and a large box of chocolate. I feel better already. Please pass this valuable information along […]
Heaven’s Now Got Voice Mail
Most of us have now learned to live with “voice mail” as a necessary part of our daily lives. But have you ever wondered what it would be like if God decided to install voice mail? Imagine praying and hearing the following: Thank you for calling Heaven. For English Press 1, For Spanish, Press 2, […]
Top Five Reasons Why President Bush May Have Choked On A Pretzel
5.)While watching football on TV, saw Bin Laden and Mullah Omar sitting in the bleachers. 4.) Even in the wake of unspeakable evil, Bush couldn’t resist a challenge from brother Jeb, to “swallowing a pretzel…whole.” 3.)Bought pretzels of some pretzel vender guy, named Mohammed 2.) Tried to untwist pretzel with his tongue to impress the […]
After Christmas Lament
‘Twas the month after Christmas, and all through the house Nothing fit me, not even a blouse. The cookies I’d nibbled, the eggnog I’d taste As the holiday parties had gone to my waist. When I got on the scales there arose such a number! When I walked to the store (less a walk than […]
Signs
Over a gynaecologist’s office: “Dr. Jones, at your cervix.” On a plumber’s truck: “We repair what your husband fixed.” On the trucks of a local plumbing company in NE Pennsylvania: “Don’t sleep with a drip. Call your plumber.” Pizza shop slogan: “7 days without pizza makes one weak.” Outside a muffler shop: “No appointment necessary. […]
Happy Holidays From Your Lawyer
My dear friends: In these days of Political Correctness run amok, this struck a melodious chord with me. I hope you enjoy it too. Please accept with no obligation, implied or implicit, my best wishes for an environmentally conscious, socially responsible, low stress, non-addictive, gender-neutral celebration of the winter solstice holiday, practiced within the most […]
Women About Women
*****************Great Women*************** Inside every older person is a younger person – wondering what the hell happened. Cora Harvey Armstrong —————————- Quotations from women about women . . . . . . . The hardest years in life are those between ten and seventy. -Helen Hayes (at 73) ……………………………………………….. I refuse to think of them as […]
A Job At Microsoft
An unemployed man goes to apply for a job with Microsoft as a janitor. The manager there arranges for him to take an aptitude test (Section: Floors, sweeping and cleaning). After the test, the manager says, “You will be employed at minimum wage, $5.15 an hour. Let me have your e-mail address, so that I […]
Christmas Songs For The Psychiatrically Challenged
1 “SCHIZOPHRENIA: Do You Hear What I Hear?” 2 “MULTIPLE PERSONALITY DISORDER: We Three Kings Disoriented Are.” 3 “DEMENTIA: I Think I’ll Be Home For Christmas.” 4 “NARCISSISTIC: Hark, the Herald Angels Sing About Me.” 5 “MANIC: Deck the Halls and Walls and House and Lawn and Streets and Stores and Office and Town and […]
The Great Debate
About a century or two ago, the Pope decided that all the Jews had to leave Rome. Naturally there was a big uproar from the Jewish community. So the Pope made a deal. He would have a religious debate with member of the Jewish community. If the Jew won, the Jews could stay. If the […]
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