Humor
Police Reports
The following are copies of ACTUAL written statements submitted to the police on report forms. (Or at leat they claim to be ACTUAL statements. You be the judge.) The drivers were instructed to give a brief statement on the particulars of the accident in their own words. Woman Driver(WD): Coming home, I drove into the […]
Drowning
A fisherman is sorting through his catch on the edge of a lake when a man sprints up to him, obviously in some distress. “Help me please,” he gasps. “My wife is drowning and I can’t swim.” He points out to a distant figure, splashing around pathetically 100 meters from the shore. “Please save her. […]
Delicious Pies
Delighted by the gift she had received, the lady spoke warmly to the boy, “At church tomorrow, I’ll thank your mother for this lovely pie.” “If you don’t mind, ma’am,” the boy suggested nervously, “would you thank her for two pies?”
Simpson Sayings
1) “Now son, you don’t want to drink beer.That’s for Daddys, and kids with fake IDs.” 2) “Marge, it takes two to lie. One to lie and one to listen.” 3) “You couldn’t fool your mother on the foolingest day of your life if you had an electrified fooling machine.” 4) “Marge, don’t discourage the […]
Computer Illiterate
Overheard in a computer shop: Customer: “I’d like a mouse mat, please.” Salesperson: “Certainly sir, we’ve got a large variety.” Customer: “But will they be compatible with my computer?” ********** I once received a fax with a note on the bottom to fax the document back to the sender when I was finished with it, […]
Coach
A story is told about Bob Zuppke, the former football coach at the University of Illinois. In this particular game, the University of Illinois was woefully behind at half- time. Bob Zuppke got up in front of his team and gave a stirring dramatic half-time speech, trying to enliven this dispirited and lackluster team. As […]
Computer Compatibility
After experiencing difficulties with his computer, a poor, incognizant user called the system maker’s technical support line for assistance… Technician: Hello. How can I help you today? Customer: There’s smoke coming from the power supply on my computer… Technician: Looks like you need a new power supply… Customer: No, I don’t! I just need to […]
Wisdom
A closed mouth gathers no feet. My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance. For every action, there is an equal and opposite government program. If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip. Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks. No husband has […]
Preparing For Baptism
Before performing a baptism, the priest approached the young father and said solemnly, “Baptism is a serious step. Are you prepared for it?” “I think so,” the man replied. “My wife has made appetizers and we have a caterer coming to provide plenty of cookies and cakes for all of our guests.” “I don’t mean […]
Deserved…
Two animal rights protesters were protesting at the cruelty of sending pigs to a slaughterhouse in Bonn, Germany. Suddenly the pigs, all two thousand of them, escaped through a broken fence and stampeded, trampling the two hapless protesters to death. Iraqi terrorist, Khay Rahnajet, didn’t pay enough postage on a letter bomb. It came back […]
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