Humor
Today’s Stock Market Report
Helium was up, feathers were down. Paper was stationary. Fluorescent tubing was dimmed in light trading. Knives were up sharply. Cows steered into a bull market. Pencils lost a few points. Hiking equipment was trailing. Elevators rose, while escalators continued their slow decline. Weights were up in heavy trading. Light switches were off. Mining equipment […]
Dear God: Letters From Children
Dear God, In Sunday School they told us what You do. Who does it when You are on vacation? – Jane Dear God, I think about You sometimes even when I’m not praying. – Elliot Dear God, Did You really mean "do unto others as they do unto you?" Because if you did, then […]
Texas
‘It’s So Hot In Texas That……’ The birds have to use pot holders to pull worms out of the ground. The potatoes cook underground, and all you have to do to have lunch is to pull one out and add butter, salt and pepper. Farmers are feeding their chickens crushed ice to keep them from […]
Bible Quiz
Q. Who was the shortest man in the Bible? A. Well, most people think of Zacchaeus (Luke 19:3;) but what about Knee-high-miah (Nehemiah 1:1) or Bildad the Shoe-height (Job 2:11.) Actually, the shortest man in the Bible *must* have been Peter — he slept on his watch! (Matthew 26:40.) Q. Who was the most successful […]
Mergers
The last few weeks have seen many mergers, and anticipating them could mean excellent Market gains. Here are some likely mergers to expect in the future: 1. Xerox and Wurlitzer: They’re going to make reproductive organs. 2. Fairchild Electronics and Honeywell Computers: New company will be called Fairwell Honeychild. 3. Polygram Records, Warner Brothers and […]
That Cold Day In Hell
A new arrival in Hell was brought before the devil. The devil told his demon to put the man to work on a rock pile with a 20-pound sledge hammer in 95 degree heat with 95% humidity. At the end of the day, the devil went to see how the man was doing, only to […]
Him And Her
Differences Between The Sexes Observed At The Drive-Up ATM Machine… (ok, we are picking on the girls again) ——————————————————- HIM: 1. Pull up to ATM 2. Insert card 3. Enter PIN number and account 4. Take cash, card and receipt HER: 1. Pull up to ATM 2. Check makeup in rearview mirror 3. Shut off […]
Heaven’s Gate
Freddie Mercury, Gianni Versace and Princess Diana all arrive at the gates of heaven at the same time. Saint Peter looks at them and says ‘We’ve had a busy day today and I’m working on a quota. I’ll only be able to let one of you in today so you’ll each have to justify why […]
Playing Church
A man came home and saw his children along with a group of the neighbourhood children gathered around the front steps. He asked what it was they were doing. "We’re playing church." one said. The puzzled Father inquired further and was told, "Well, we’ve already sung, prayed and listened to the sermon. Now, we’re all […]
The Sunbather
Joan, who was rather well-proportioned, spent almost all of her vacation sunbathing on the roof of her hotel. She wore a bathing suit the first day, but on the second, she decided that no one could see her way up there, and she slipped out of it for an overall tan. She’d hardly begun when […]
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