Humor
One-Liners
Smile. It’s the second best thing you can do with your lips. If vegetable oil is made of vegetables, what is baby oil made of? No guts, no glory; no brain, same story. Sex is like air. It’s not important unless you aren’t getting any. Cocaine is Gods way of telling you that you make […]
Childhood Logic
A little girl and her mother were shopping. The girl asks her mother, "How old are you?". Mommy says "Honey, women don’t talk about their age, you’ll learn later on in life." The girl then asks, "Mommy. How much do you weigh?". Mommy says, "That’s another thing women don’t talk about, you’ll find out when […]
Redneck Ode To His Valentine
Kudzu is green, my dog’s name is Blue And I’m so lucky to have a sweet thang like you. Yore hair is like cornsilk A-flapping in the breeze. Softer than Blue’s And without all them fleas. You move like the bass, Which excite me in May. You ain’t got no scales But I […]
An Aged And Blonde Joke
An 80 year old couple were having problems remembering things, so they decided to go to their doctor to get checked out to make sure nothing was wrong with them. When they arrived at the doctor`s, they explained to the doctor about the problems they were having with their memory. After checking the couple out, […]
Be A Kid Again…
~ Give yourself a gold star for everything you do today. ~ Dot all your "i"’s with smiley faces.~ Sing into your hairbrush. ~ Grow a milk mustache.~ Smile back at the man in the moon. ~ Read the funnies–throw the rest of the paper away. ~ Dunk your cookies. ~ Play a game where […]
A Few Jokes
Geometry My geometry tutor told me "A six-sided polygon is called a hexagon, a five-sided ones are called pentagons." "What about two sided ones?" I asked. "They don’t exist." was his response. "I beg to differ! I think we should just let bi-gons be bi-gons." A little girl became restless as the preacher’s sermon dragged […]
The Vending Machine
A woman named Laura is at a local zoo and comes across a vending machine, which she has never seen before. She sees the slot for money, gets money out of her purse, puts $.65 into the machine, and pushes a letter and a number. She is mezmorized by the coils turning just enough to […]
A Jewish Joke
An elderly Jewish woman climbs onto the bus and looks for a seat. Seeing no open spot, she approaches a teenage girl and says, "If you knew what I had, you’d offer me your seat." The girl is taken aback, but she figures she’ll do the right thing, and she gives up her seat. The […]
Men & Women Compared
NICKNAMES If Laura, Suzanne, Debra and Rose go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Suzanne, Debra and Rose. But if Mike, Charlie, Bob and John go out for a pint, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla, Peanut-Head and Useless. EATING OUT When the bill arrives, Mike, Charlie, […]
Noisy Mornings
Once upon a time there was a husband who woke his wife every morning with a loud, noisy fart. I mean, this guy really exploded! The bed shook, the windows rattled, the pictures on the wall slipped sideways….. It was so disgusting, and every time she complained he laughed. And she would say to him, […]
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