Humor
Bible Jokes
Q. Who was the greatest financier in the Bible? A. Noah–he was floating his stock while everyone else was in liquidation. Q. Who was the greatest female financier in the Bible? A. Pharoah’s daughter–she went down to the bank of the Nile and drew out a little prophet. Q. What kind of man was Boaz […]
Philosophical Truths
ON PUBLISHING OR PERISHING I am returning this otherwise good typing paper to you because someone has printed gibberish all over it and put your name at the top. – English Professor, Ohio University ON MARTIAL ARTS AND METAPHYSICS Deja Fu: The feeling that somehow, somewhere, you’ve been kicked in the head like this before. […]
These Are A Bit Weak!
How do crazy people go through the forest? They take the psycho path. How do you make holy water? Boil the hell out of it. What did the fish say when he hit a concrete wall? “Dam” What do Eskimos get from sitting on the ice too long? Polaroids. What do prisoners use to call […]
Ineffective Daily Affirmations
– As I let go of my shoulds and feelings of guilt, I can get in touch with my Inner Sociopath. – I have the power to channel my imagination into ever-soaring levels of suspicion and paranoia. – I assume full responsibility for my actions, except the ones that are someone else’s fault. – I […]
Bar Mitzvah Bee
Two bees ran into each other. One asked the other how things were going. “Really bad,” said the second bee, “the weather has been really wet and damp and there aren’t any flowers or pollen, so I can’t make any honey “No problem,” said the first bee, “Just fly down five blocks and turn left […]
Coma Baby
A pregnant woman from Washington, D.C. gets in a car accident and falls into a deep coma. Asleep for nearly 6 months, when she wakes up she sees that she is no longer pregnant and frantically asks the doctor about her baby. The doctor replies, “Ma’am you had twins! a boy and a girl. Your […]
Modem Times
1. ‘Ome is where you ‘ang your 2. The E-mail of the species is more deadly than the mail. 3. A journey of a thousand sites begins with a single click. 4. You can’t teach a new mouse old clicks. 5. Great groups from little icons grow. 6. Speak softly and carry a cellular phone. […]
Quayle Quotes
Recently, Dan Quayle announced his intentions to run for President of the U.S. in 2000. Since many younger voters may not have been watching the news when these were said the first time, we provide you with this list of famous Quayle quotes. “I was recently on a tour of Latin America, and the only […]
Disapproving Bartender
A man is waiting for wife to give birth. The doctor comes in and informs the dad that his son was born without torso, arms or legs. The son is just a head! But the father loves his son and raises him as well as he can, with love and compassion. After 21 years, the […]
Surgery
Mr. Smith was brought to Mercy Hospital (a Catholic hospital), and taken quickly in for coronary surgery. The operation went well and, as the groggy man regained consciousness, he was reassured by a Sister of Mercy, who was waiting by his bed. “Mr. Smith, you’re going to be just fine,” said the nun, gently patting […]
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