Humor
Five Stages Of Drunkenness
Stage 1 – SMART This is when you suddenly become an expert on every subject in the known Universe. You know you know everything and want to pass on your knowledge to anyone who will listen. At this stage you are always RIGHT. And of course the person you are talking to is very WRONG. […]
Three Friends Die…
Tragically, three friends die in a car crash, and they find themselves at the gates of heaven. Before entering, they are each asked a question by St. Peter. "When you are in your casket and friends and family are mourning upon you, what would you like to hear them say about you?", asks St. Peter. […]
Puns
1 . Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, but when they lit a fire in the craft it sank-proving once and for all that you can’t have your kayak and heat it, too. 2. Two boll weevils grew up in South Carolina. One went to Hollywood and became a famous actor. The other […]
Some Equivalents
1012 microphones = 1 megaphone 106 bicycles = 2 megacycles 500 millinaries = 1 seminary 2000 mockingbirds = two kilomockingbirds 10 cards = 1 decacards 1/2 lavatory = 1 demijohn 10-6 fish = 1 microfiche 453.6 graham crackers = 1 pound cake 1012 pins = 1 terrapin 1021 picolos = 1 gigolo 10 rations = […]
Catflap Story
"In retrospect, I admit it was unwise to try to gain access to my house via the catflap," Gunter Burpus admitted to reporters in Bremen, Germany. "I suppose that the reason they’re called cat flaps, rather than human flaps, is because they’re too small for people, and perhaps….. I should have realized that." Burpus (41), […]
Stock Market Report
Helium was up, feathers were down. Paper was stationary. Fluorescent tubing was dimmed in light trading. Knives were up sharply. Cows steered into a bull market. Pencils lost a few points. Hiking equipment was trailing. Elevators rose, while escalators continued their slow decline. Weights were up in heavy trading. Light switches were off. Mining equipment […]
Instructions!
In case you needed further proof that the human race is doomed, here are some actual label instructions on consumer goods: * On Sears hair dryer: Do not use while sleeping. * On a bag of Fritos: You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside. * On a bar of Dial soap: Directions: […]
Computer Terms
486: The average IQ needed to understand a PC. State-of-the-art: Any computer you can’t afford. Obsolete: Any computer you own. Microsecond: The time it takes for your state-of-the-art computer to become obsolete. G3: Apple’s new Macs that make you say, "Gee, it’s three times faster than The computer I bought for the same price a […]
So You Wanna Date My Daughter?
When I was in high school I used to be terrified of my girlfriend’s father, who I believe suspected me of wanting to place my hands on his daughter’s chest. He would open the door and immediately affect magood-naturedly murderous expression, holding out a handshake that, when gripped, felt like it could squeeze carbon into […]
Lawyer Story
A lawyer opened the door of his BMW, when suddenly a car came along and hit the door, ripping it off completely. When the police arrived at the scene, the lawyer was complaining bitterly about the damage to his precious BMW. "Officer, look what they’ve done to my Beeeeemer!!!", he whined. "You lawyers are so […]
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