Humor
Computer People
Users are divided into three types: novice, intermediate and expert. Novice Users. – People who are afraid that simply pressing a key might break their computer. Intermediate Users. – People who don’t know how to fix their computer after they’ve just pressed a key that broke it. Expert Users. -People who break other people’s computers. […]
35 Signs You Might Be A Yankee
You think barbecue is a verb meaning “to cook outside.” You think Heinz Ketchup is SPICY. You don’t have any problems pronouncing “Worcestershire sauce” correctly. For breakfast, you would prefer potatoes au gratin to grits. You don’t know what a moon pie is. You’ve never had grain alcohol. You’ve never, ever, eaten Okra. You eat […]
Thinking Could Be Dangerous
Are YOU a problem thinker? It started out innocently enough. I began to think at parties now and then to loosen up. Inevitably though, one thought led to another, and soon I was more than just a social thinker. I began to think alone – “to relax,” I told myself – but I knew it […]
Signs That You’re Aging
You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into the room. You are proud of your lawnmower. Your best friend is dating someone half their age……..and isn’t breaking any laws. Your arms are almost too short to read the newspaper. You sing along with the elevator music. You can live without […]
Santa Claus : An Engineer’s Perspective
I. There are approximately two billion children (persons under 18) in the world. However, since Santa does not visit children of Muslim, Hindu, Jewish or Buddhist religions, this reduces the workload for Christmas night to 15% of the total, or 378 million (according to the Population Reference Bureau). At an average (census) rate of 3.5 […]
Heard The One About The Pastor?
I returned yesterday from a trip to New Zealand, and heard there of a pastor who’d just discovered the wonders of Windows 95’s ‘Find and Replace’. So he did a wonderful Order of Service for the funeral of ‘Mary’, and then the following week all he had to do was find all the Mary’s and […]
Bible Stories – Unauthorised Versions
The following Bible stories were apparently written by real students and are genuine, authentic and unretouched. Richard Lederer assembled them; they appeared in National Review magazine on 1995-DEC-31. “In the first book of the Bible, Guinness’s, God got tired of creating the world, so He took the Sabbath off. Adam and Eve were created from […]
Old Geezer
The old geezer lived many more years, but unfortunately he kept telling everyone how he survived the Ohio River floods until they were bored to tears. Finally the old geezer died and went up to heaven. St. Peter met him at the Pearly Gates and said, “Welcome to Heaven! We’d like you to be eternally […]
Drummer Jokes
“If thine enemy wrong thee, buy each of his children a drum.” – Unknown Q. What do you call a person who hangs around musicians a lot? A. A drummer. How can you tell when there is a drummer at your front door? The knocking gets faster. Slower. Faster… Drummers: The Life of the Party! […]
Classic Church Bulletin Bloopers
At the end of a funeral, "Would you all please stand for the resurrection". At a wedding, "We are gathered here to witness the consummation of the marriage of …"
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